“ No more walks in the wood,
this is the aftermath, of afternoons in the clover fields
Where we once made love, then wandered home together
Where the trees arched above and branches were the sky
Now they are gone for good.
And you, for ill, and I am only a passer-by
We and the trees and the way, back from the fields of play
Lasted as long as we could..
No more walks in the wood. ”
- The Eagles -
The winter sun is slowly sinking into another beautiful Doha evening and I am staring at the sea and boats cutting beelines of wake across the bay. I finally managed to sit down after a day catching up on admin, meal prepping and replying to emails and overdue messages. To take stock of the last three weeks. It has been a whirlwind of magnificent days and lasting memories made. Adventures in the desert, salty sea swims and memorable meals and catchups with friends and colleagues. Some friends dropped in on their way home from Europe, others for a few off days and then back and some stayed for longer. It’s hard to organise all these beautiful moments. New friends, incredible hospitality and generosity of people, now no longer strangers. I always find it strange how quickly these visits flash by and before you know it, you’re waving goodbye with a lump in your throat as the taxi turns the corner and your beloved friends disappear around the corner and out of sight. I am deeply humbled and grateful for my extraordinary group of friends. For the visits, the meals and conversations shared and for the video calls and constant messages of news, support and love. I am truly blessed. Some of my friends are wrestling with their demons, fighting loss and loneliness, some are displaced scatterlings of Africa, on their way home and others are carving new lives out of unexpected opportunities. Others I haven’t heard from in a while but I know they are out there walking the line. I know that the love and respect remains regardless and I am keeping a light on for each and every one of them. I will be there when they call and I will support them the best I can. I know it’s a hard road out there. In the end we only have each other.
I am often baffled by how quickly life goes by, changing constantly and carrying us along on a raging, winding river, where the calm eddies are few and far between and only temporary if growth, adventure, healing and meaning are part of our outlook on life. The life I have chosen brings a lot of goodbyes. I miss a lot of important family days and many friendships and relationships struggle to withstand the challenges of distance and fundamental change that it brings. I cannot imagine a different life for myself though so I make the most of every conversation, every day, hour or week I am given with my friends, family and loved ones. I am forced to live in the moment because that is the only way I know how to make sense of it all. It is definitely an existence laced with bittersweet memories and I often wonder what comes after the irony of doing what you love but losing so much in pursuit of it.
When it comes to my romantic relationships I am prone to make an exception to my rule of living in the moment. I revisit many of my experiences and feelings. Moments and memories. I feel that it keeps me humble and grounded as a man. I assess my mistakes and try to apply what I learned from every misstep. I know I am reliable and capable of selfless service to my partner. I believe that love is a verb and that trust and truth are the only true measures in a relationship. I revisit walks in the woods and icy ocean swims. I recall watching her putting on lipstick using my rearview mirror on a country road on our way to a dance. I still see her on a rock in the river, washing her long, wild hair. I remember a frosty goodbye kiss in the parking lot of a townie bar in the Midwest and the way her name was written on a stack of papers that would change my life forever. I go back to high school and walk home with her again, blue school uniform and bicycle with a basket in the front. Her beautiful long brown hair in braids and ribbons swishing in the early Autumn breeze.
Yesterday is gone forever and we don’t know what tomorrow might bring but I am determined to make the most of my short time here in the world we know. I will keep loving with all my heart, how imperfect that love might be. I will continue to care about people and be kind, patient and tolerant. I will work on my humility every day and endeavour, each day, to be a better son, brother, uncle, friend colleague and lover. I love being alive. I appreciate company but also solitude and I continuously try to capture all of it in song and poetry. May this December and the festive season remind us all of the role have to play. If you haven’t done so for a long time… pick up the phone, show up for a visit and be there for the people in your life. We are all just kites in a hurricane. We need all the help we can get.
“ Now I’m waiting out the flight delays
Im waiting for the storms to pass
Waiting for the skies to clear….
Then I see your face “
- Estrangement - Ian Tyson
