“ My good friends speak, like they did last year
And last years just a blur, through my head full of beer.
Where’s your wisdom, put that broken bottle down
Let the wind in your sails take you out of this town so sad
And if life’s just a living room, then I’m in the hall and Im glad” - David Gray -
A stiff, crisp breeze is blowing in from the sea and the sky is a beautiful, flawless blue. The Doha winter at its finest, temperatures perfect, the city gardens pristine. Life is good at the moment.
Spent a wonderful post shift New Year’s Eve celebration with my good friends on a rooftop in the city. We observed the countdown to some arbitrary “new beginning”, hugged each other and exchanged wishes for the brand new year ahead. We all know there will be many challenges, ups and downs, heartaches and joy in the months ahead but last night we pushed that nagging feeling aside for a while and just reflected and relaxed. Besides, the worries would be there the next day regardless of hope or prayer.
In the morning I called my Mom and wished her a happy birthday. Another year that we have all been blessed to have her in our lives. I tried to put my feelings into words, failed miserably and sent her the lyrics to Forever Young by Bob Dylan. How do you say thank you and show your appreciation to the only woman who would ever love you unconditionally.? The woman who sacrificed so many of her dreams to ensure a better future and prospects than what she was afforded. Then I remembered… LOVE is a VERB !!! And that I’m good at, especially toward my family and friends. This year I will continue to serve especially my mother, but also my family, friends and loved ones. Tell them more, show them more and show up more for everyone.
Today, as I’m continuing this blog I am sitting at a stylish Turkish restaurant and my waitress is a beautiful, regal, Turkish woman, expertly moving across the floor, her keen eye not missing a single thing that’s out of place. She’s friendly, courteous but professional. Just as well, as any direct engagement and enquiry as to why I’m here and have chosen this particular place would most likely open up the flood gates. The weather is still stunning, a perfect blue outside. The massive stacking doors are wide open onto the street and the fresh air is almost too much for my aching heart to handle. I learnt this morning that an old friend of mine, whom I’ve lost contact with for years, had passed away. Details are few, and circumstances unclear. I ran into him at a concert last year and after thirteen years we literally picked up where we had left off. Life had had its way with us both and we had much to catch up on so we made plans to see each other again. We tried but due to schedules and shift work we could never quite get it right. Eventually I stopped trying and he stopped trying. No hard feelings… us transient aviators, artists and adventurers understand the game and the sacrifices of our chosen paths. This afternoon, at the table of this sidewalk cafè, I’m not so sure about this justification. He too must’ve stared up into this sapphire desert sky above us, felt the cool breeze and reflected on another year gone by, his family or his next assignment. One thing is for certain, he didn’t look up at the sky with the same eyes I did.
This makes me think of all the people I’ve neglected, the ones who neglect me and our friendship. I think about my recent stance to stop making attempts at artificially keeping one sided friendships alive. I felt that I had to start managing the expectations I had of my friends in order to protect my heart from the hurt I felt when I experienced the disregard and indifference some treated our friendship with. I am still feeling that but I also realised I fucked up. I should’ve tried once more. Swapped a shift, made more effort. But I was tired of accepting another excuse, another appointment or phone call not honoured.
It’s going to take me a while to figure this out, to make sense of it all and to determine the way I will handle these friendships and acquaintances in the future. How do you know ?? How do you detect the signs? How do you keep giving and get nothing back ? I’ve also been keeping my mouth shut a bit more lately, trying to listen more. Perhaps I’ll just keep doing that. Maybe I’ll learn the difference between friends and acquaintances and perhaps I will show up when a friend needs it the most. All we can do is be better.
JJB
