“ The dogs were barking as the cars were parking, the loan sharks were sharking and the narcs were narcing. Practically everyone was there.
In the parking lot by the forest preserve the police had found two bodies in the woods. Naked bodies.
Their faces had been horribly disfigured by some kind of sharp object
Saw it on the news, the TV news, in a black and white video.
Do you know what blood looks like in a black and white video ?
Shadows, Shadows…. That’s what it looks like.
- Lake Marie - John Prine -
An unruly breeze is blowing in the icy air from the snows on the Alborz this morning and it is a phenomenon unsettling to man and beast here in a place where people are more adept at avoiding serious bouts of scorching heat than a drastic drop in the mercury. With my second coffee lined up and nightshift looming a few hours away, I am contemplating, consolidating the events and thoughts regarding the first month of the year.
Back home a brief window in the rainy weather allowed my dad and the team to cut, rake, bale, haul and store feed essential to our survival during the harsh winter just a few months away. As with everything good, the unusual amount of rain came at a price for many. The ever present, ever delicate dance between blessing and curse. While Tygerfontein rejoices in the yields and opportunity the rain afforded us this year, many less fortunate members of our already impoverished society are dealing with the fallout of widespread destruction and damage caused by unprecedented flooding, lack of maintenance and crumbling infrastructure. People who’ve already been living in appalling conditions have now been left homeless, cut off from the outside world with no hope of any large scale rescue effort or assistance. Farmers across the country are also mobilizing to manage and contain the outbreak of Foot and Mouth Disease after once again being let down by government. This dreadful disease poses an existential threat to livestock and farming operations, not to mention the livelihood and jobs of millions. It is a government controlled disease and by law only the government is allowed to distribute and administer vaccines. A few thousand state veterinarians are now burdened with vaccinating approximately fourteen million cows and millions of other smaller livestock in a country where bureaucracy and failing systems like cold chain logistics, distribution services and manpower shortages make it an almost impossible task. The answer is simple, enable the very competent private sector to acquire and distribute vaccines and work together with private veterinarians across the country to stop the spread, enable the various farmers associations to assist in the battle against this dreadful virus and save our agricultural sector. I can’t help but wonder whether this is not just a sinister plan by corrupt officials to allow farmers to lose their livelihood and eventually their land in order for them to capitalize on the misfortune and acquire the land for government or themselves. The incompetence of leadership and government once again shows that we as South Africans, regardless of ethnicity or creed have been left to fend for ourselves. Communities uniting to assist those in need, veterinarians and first responders working around the clock to contain disaster after disaster while government fat cats spend millions on lavish parties, security details and useless “commissions of inquiry”. Add to this tensions in the Middle East, shocking revelations in the Epstein Files, War, War and more War. People being slaughtered by the thousands in Nigeria, Sudan and many others countries. It’s enough to make a man feel sick.
Starting in early December I had decided to cut back on my drinking drastically. Ive been a drinker for the better part of two decades and I have to admit that I really like it. Hanging out with my friends, sitting alone on a rocky outcrop on the farm after a long day, pouring a strong bourbon, lighting up a freshly packed pipe of rum and maple tobacco while listening to my favorite songs and throwing a few back while making music and playing guitar all feature in my love affair with alcohol. I am a pretty disciplined individual and it has never been a problem but I think I had just reached a point where I had gotten tired of feeling like shit after a night of drinking. It also felt as if it had become a crutch during a difficult and demanding time in my life. I realized that if I did not want to give it up completely I would have to get it under control. The results are staggering. Im sleeping better, my workouts are more enjoyable and my creativity has improved by leaps and bounds. Mentally I am more resilient and focused. My highs and lows are no longer as drastic and I feel that I can navigate bouts of depression with new found ease. Don’t get me wrong… I still like to tie one on with the boys every now and then but I feel like I have reigned in a bucking horse that I can ride now whenever I want to without feeling guilty. Discipline equals freedom. I am grateful. Sobriety also forced me to deal with some unfinished business regarding my failed marriage and multiple, unsuccessful attempts to reconcile and rekindle the flame. In many ways I sound like a broken record. I disregarded warnings and advice and I have ignored my own gut feeling way too many times. As always, at my own peril. But I had to know. I had to make sure that I had tried absolutely everything in my power to give the relationship one, two, three, four…multiple chances. Today, as I am writing this I know that I left no stone unturned and that I did my best. I have made peace with the fact that a person can love someone and still not end up in a relationship with that person. I learnt that your best efforts don’t always pay and that love and relationships are clumsy, mysterious and humbling. I looked my demons in the eye, faced my mistakes and got my ego in check about my contribution to the failure of this relationship. I am broken, but not defeated. I am disappointed but not bitter. I am a better man for it. I learnt many valuable lessons. I feel like Ive been out in the wasteland for way too long. One thing is for sure…… I am on my way home with an aching in my heart and backpack full of songs.
“ Shadows….thats what it looks like
All the love we shared between her and me….
It was slammed, slammed up against the banks of old Lake Marie..
Oh Baby… we gotta go now. “
JB
