"It is hard to know that you're moving on, that youre trying to forget me and get along
You say you're busy and you dont dwell, on the times we had and you wished me well".
Trouble with the Curve - John Barnard
How Johnny became a Songwriter
I walked into a tiny "Townie Bar" in Wausau Wisconsin just off Highway K on Merrill Ave. The heat was coming off the asphalt in the parking lot that hot June afternoon. It was Tuesday and after a really hard shift on the farm I decided to go into town for a drink. I walked through the swinging doors and the bartender gave me a friendly smile and while grabbing a clean glass off the shelf handed me a handful of singles for the jukebox in the corner. She knew me well and we shared the same love for classic rock and old time country. I fed a few dollars into the machine making sure that Dakota by the Stereophonics and Standing in the Doorway by Bob Dylan were on the list. I sat down sort of in the centre of the bar staring at the bottles against the wall in a "Silver Tongued Devil and I" kind of way. Tiny drops of condensation were forming on my glass and the bourbon was smooth and soothing. I was 23 and got word that my high school sweetheart back in South Africa was seeing someone new. I had applied to the University of Pretoria for veterinary school and I also handed in my application at the Aviation Training Academy for Air Traffic Control selection. Back home I had been using the money I made in Wisconsin to finance my pilots license. Halfway through my flying training I realized that flying was not exactly what I wanted to do but that Air Traffic Control was my real passion. I was waiting for feedback and the only responsibility I had was to save my money and do a good job with the cows. I was missing home and wondering where the road would lead me. I was certain of one thing...I was free and the world was waiting out there for me.
I heard a couple of girls enter the bar and caught the smell of sweet perfume. She sat down next to me and said hello. She had strawberry blonde hair and her eyes were sunset blue. She had a friendly smile and the way she looked at me made me feel like I had known her all my life. Spanish Harlem Incident by Bob Dylan started playing. She turned toward me, cross-legged on the barstool and gave me a look I will never forget. The next few months were filled with three hour phone conversations, music and intense romance. We were working on the nightmoves as Bob Seger would say and for a short while I was deeply and truly happy. I didn't want it to end and maybe in the process I could not see that it was already burning out. Like a star that burned too bright. One day she was just gone. It was like a dream. I was broken and I had no answers or explanation. I realized later, after years of digging up bones and wondering that I had perhaps fallen in love with the idea of someone and had expected way too much from that person. Holding on to that idea damn near ruined several subsequent relationships and my pathetic behaviour caused damage to wonderful people who did not deserve it. They deserved better and I carry the regret and guilt with me every single day. I had to make a conscious decision to let it all go, for my own survival. For a while all my songs were filled with the loss, the memories and the selfish longing I had for her. Luckily I realized through the years that doing that was selfish and one dimensional as an artist. It was unfair toward my audience. It had to stop. I started focusing on my songwriting and slowly started the journey of being honest with myself and my audience. I set out to write songs filled with empathy and respect for the real and fictional characters that live within my songs. I realized that songwriting is not a selfish thing. It is about sharing a story, a life experience or an event with people and leaving enough room to allow them to fill in the blanks with their own experiences and emotions. Jeffrey Foucault was on the money when he said that a songwriter or performer doesn't get to be himself when he is on stage. He or she becomes a conduit for the bigger connection between emotions, stories and the message he is bringing to his audience. That conversation that happens the moment you count in the song and the music, words and emotions go out into the air and gets tangled in with the energy of the audience is one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed. I will keep chasing it and strive to write better songs every time I sit down to write.
I will be releasing new music this month and I am excited to share it with you. They are songs close to my heart, like old friends, and we worked hard on them. Jaco Naude guided me through the process with patience and the band was on fire. I am grateful to Jaco Smit, Mias Lotz and Rufus Kirsten for the hard work and Jaco Naude tied it all up in a beautiful ribbon of skill and passion. I will be doing a press release and I will continue doing shows wherever and whenever I can. The Vagabonds are talking about a short tour through the eastern Free State and I hope we can pull it off. I am still available for intimate living room shows for you and your family and friends.
With the new year just around the corner I am sure it will be filled with it's own challenges and difficult days. I am grateful for your support. I am grateful for my health, my job and my incredible friends and family. I try to be a better person every day and I have not forgotten my failures. If you are reading this and I disappointed you or caused you some kind of pain I am sorry. I will try and apologize to you face to face. I am busy putting days between my mistakes and the person I am becoming. I am striving for truth, happiness and peace. I am writing hard and I am trying to tell stories that make you smile, make you cry and make you feel. I want to, through my songs, assure you that you are not alone and that the road goes on forever. There is no destination, only the journey, and I will be out there on the road telling my stories to those willing to listen.
" The night is pitch black, come and make my pale face fit in the place, ah please! I gotta know babe, I am nearly drowning, if its you my lifelines trace"
- Spanish Harlem Incident - Bob Dylan
JB
