Love, Independence Day and Other Thoughts
" She gives me her cheek when I want her lips
But I don't have the strength to go
On the lost side of town, in a dark apartment
We gave up trying so long ago"
4th of July - Dave Alvin
It is a cool winter morning out at Marnuk Estate. Sapphire blue skies, not a cloud in sight. The dogs are following the pale morning sun around the house and slowly everyone is starting their day. Our country, like many others, is busy weathering another wave of COVID infections and we are once again in a government-enforced lockdown, complete with another alcohol and inter-provincial travel ban. Strict curfews are devastating travel and being directly involved in aviation it was shocking to arrive at work and find a very quiet radar screen and minimal aircraft to talk to. I know what that means. Times are about to get even tougher. For everyone but mostly the ones who entered this pandemic already below the bread line and desperate. At least I still have options and in some ways, I have the means to assist some friends and family for the time being. Well, for now. I know that at the very least pay cuts and maybe even retrenchment is looming on the not-so-distant horizon for me. I think it is safe to say that all walks of life will be further affected by this but I have my doubts that it will impact the government fat cats barking their warnings and their rules over national TV to an already desperate nation while they slowly rob the citizens of their rights to freedom, education and basic services. Somewhere deep within me my rebel heart is telling me that it is all about control with us, the citizens, the pawns in a very sinister game. I have to let this go. Think about the circle of concern and the circle of influence. I choose to focus on the latter, because that I can control. One day at a time.
My mind drifts back to the summer of 2006. It was the 4th of July. I punched the clock at the farm and rushed to get ready for Independence Day Celebrations. It was a beautiful summer evening in Wausau Wisconsin and I quickly washed off the day's dirt, shaved my face and brushed off my hat and boots. My heart was jumping. Rufus and I went down to the local townie bar called Codys Cruise-In on Merrill Ave, just across from the old Showtime Stripjoint. There we met the owner and long time friend Jon and his girlfriend and piled into a 1990 Ford Mustang 5.0 Convertible. We were headed to Marathon Park for some ice cold beer, cheese curds and live music. We stopped on the way to pick her up. She was at her sisters house and I remember her strawberry blonde hair and blue eyes when I got out and met her at the front porch step. Jon blasted the stereo and we were off to the celebrations talking, laughing, singing to Tom Petty and of course....drinking. It was a great night. The sunset was beautiful and as the summer day faded into darkness, fireworks lit up the sky. I remember her pulling me close, then leading me through the massive trees of the park to the main stage while holding my hand so tight. I remember thinking that for I was truly happy in that moment. Everything was just right. I wished that it would never end. I made a point that night to tell Rufus and Jon that I love them. I didn't tell her that I even thought I loved her. I thought that it would put her off. We had only met a few weeks prior and it seemed like a bad idea to move so fast. As it goes with the human condition I never thought it would ever end. I thought I still had time. I know now, looking back that our idea of that relationship was different and as the Dave Alvin song says, we gave up trying eventually. You can love people but sometimes you cant be with them. I wish I had told her.
I carry that lesson with me even today. When I love someone, whether it is a friend, a family member or a partner, I tell them. Some people never reciprocate, some show their love and affection but cant say the words. I find it baffling but I respect it. I know it makes some of them uncomfortable. I will continue saying it. I will also make sure that my actions and contributions to my relationships with friends, lovers and family show my love. I refuse to make the phrase '' I love you '' become watered down and empty. Action speaks louder than words and that is why I still feel loved despite some people being unable to voice it. I know they care. Singer/ Songwriter Robert Earl Keen said in his beautiful song called Walking Shoes that love doesn't walk away, only people do. I find that so true for me. We might have broken up, we might have gone our separate ways as friends and family or we might be at the tail end of a painful divorce but I will always love you. Hate is too heavy a burden to carry and I have found that I can write songs and stories out of and about loss, pain, hardship and longing but hate and anger falls flat on the page.
It is time for me to go. There are no live shows for the time being and artists and venues are bleeding to say the least. We only have each other and I will endeavor to treat everyone with kindness, compassion and patience. I will remember that everyone is fighting a hard fight in this life and that the next person I meet might be at absolute rock bottom. I will call up my friends and family and tell them I love them. I will show them the same. I will put pen to paper and share my stories and those of others with empathy. I am counting the days until I can walk outside and see a massive thunderstorm approaching from the South. Im looking forward to hitting the road again and exploring our beautiful country. I know there will be a 4th of July one day that wont make me feel so lonesome.....
JB