Man - Jeffrey Martin
“Hide your face from the howling wind
No more crying out
Pick up your gun, leave those you love
Learn to jump at the sound
Go bleed overseas,
don't forget to bleed proud
You are a man now”
The spotless, sapphire blue sky of central Wisconsin greeted me as I pushed the heavy door open and walked out onto a frozen parking lot dusted with fresh snow. The ice cracked underneath my boots and my breath made white clouds that vanished into the morning air. It was really cold, well below zero, and it had been for quite some time. It was my twenty first birthday and I was just under ten thousand miles from my home…sunny Tygerfontein where my family was going about their day eight hours ahead of me, milking cows, making hay and going to school. There were no other people in sight at that moment and as I carefully made my way over the black ice toward the dually truck and trailer it struck me that I had never felt as free and as lonesome before. I missed my folks but the feeling of being on my own, having survived a brutal winter and proving to myself and the hard men back home that I could also be tough and make something of myself was exhilarating. It would turn out to be a rough day filled with down cows on the ice, broken, frozen equipment and a blizzard blowing in just after five pm. I rounded up the usual suspects and we braved the treacherous county roads to the nearest bar where a great country rock band called Hidden River played an unforgettable show. I’ll never forget how great the singer was. Big and burly like John Moreland with a voice like Van Morrison, but a little sadder. Many rites of passage befall a man during the course of his life. I recognised this one and I felt grateful to be alive.
I’ll be turning forty in a few days and even though to me, it’s just another day, I’m often reminded of the fact that I am half way through this short movie by all accounts. The last twenty years have been an adventure. I’ve seen the sunset over the Grand Canyon and stood in the mist of the Victoria Falls with my brand new wife. I’ve been to the world’s largest airshow in Oshkosh, Wisconsin and I’ve seen Bob Dylan and several other of my heroes live in concert. I’ve made friends who’ve become family, stood next to my grandparents graves and watched my sister raise two beautiful, talented boys. I became an Air Traffic Controller, my favourite occupation and lifelong passion. I’ve worked with and learnt from incredible people. I became the fifth owner of Tygerfontein in our families 127 years on the farm and I still have both my parents and my sister and brother in law living there. One of the great blessings of my life. I got married, took care of my wife and her kids for a while, lost it all and managed to repair the relationship in a way that at least offers respect, compassion and dignity. I’ve loved precious few women with a deep, burning flame, got my heart broken and caused some pain myself. I have many regrets, many things I wish I’d done better and I’ve learnt an awful lot in the process about Love, Respect, Mercy, Forgiveness and Redemption. I learnt that love is not linear and that things work out the way they should, even though it hurts like hell sometimes. I learnt that forgiveness is about you and that discipline equals freedom. I started a band, The Giant Strides and toured the Karoo with The Vagabonds. Ive seen The Seweweekspoort and visited Rusty Gate Mountain Retreat. Sat on the rocks at Victoria Bay with my friends in total silence after a rough few days on the road watching the waves break in thunderous splendour. I’ve played hundreds of shows with incredible musicians and shared my songs and stories in small venues and festival stages. I’ve seen the best and worst that people are capable of and I’m still trying to live an honourable life , guided by humility and kindness.
“Go on back to the house that made you
Try to burn it down
Go out walking in your daddy's shoes
They are your shoes now
Feel the weight of the fist that hit you
It's your fault somehow
Because you are a man now”
I’m grateful to be alive. I’m grateful for my health, my family and friends. I’m grateful for all the opportunities I’ve been afforded and that I survived until now. It is my mission to be a better version of myself every day. To remain strong and fit, write many more songs and perhaps to drink a little less. I endeavour to be a better friend, employer and son. I aim to impart my knowledge on the next generation with compassion and empathy and I strive to be a worthy and respectful custodian of the land I am calling home. I aim to ask for forgiveness a lot more, remove some suffering in this world and to forgive some folks. I hope I can be the man my parents think I am and not be a hypocrite. I don’t plan on wasting any time being angry and resentful and I hope that I can honour my family despite our differences. Perhaps I will find love again but if I don’t that is also fine. Soon, it will be the desert sand of the Middle East squeaking underneath my boots as I will be embarking on the next chapter of my ATC career in Qatar. Many hard days and nights, lonely times and uncertainties await but I’m ready. I’ll put in the work and discipline, steer away from false hope and I’ll keep having blind faith.
If you’re reading this, thank you for your part in my life. Thank you for listening to my songs and stories. Thank you for your mercy and forgiveness and thank you for the opportunity to make memories together. I’ll see you down the road somewhere.
JB
