“It was good while is lasted”
“Last night I didn’t sleep at all
found another empty wall
I couldn’t get past it
And for a minute in the afternoon
I almost didn’t think of you
It was good while it lasted”
Jason Isbell
A soft Autumn rain came down on the farm this morning. As a thick layer of Nimbostratus came rolling in from the South the nearly forty year old Massey Ferguson rumbled and rattled, puffing thick black diesel smoke as it laboured under the weight of the last heavy hay bales we were rushing to get into the shed before they got completely soaked. The last big push on the eve of my departure to the Middle East. Tomorrow I’ll hop on the bus bound for the city. I’ll look over my shoulder and see my Mom and Dad disappear in the distance. My dad turned seventy on the tenth and mom is only a few years behind him. My chest will tighten and I’ll fight back tears hoping that it won’t be the last time I see them. Another three month stint of managing air traffic in the heavily congested airspace above the Persian Gulf is waiting.
I’ve been in South Africa for just over three weeks but it seems like ages ago when I arrived in Cape Town on the last day of February and met up with my friends in lovely Fish Hoek, Muizenberg and Greyton. We rolled around the little seaside villages having laughs and jokes, drinks and smokes while catching up on years of adventures and stories in perfect weather. We visited the picturesque mountain town of Greyton and drove up to the pristine Rusty Gate Mountain Retreat to say hi to our friend Bokkie and take in the spectacular views. Too soon we had to say our goodbyes and after thanking Mornè at 1854 Restaurant and Pub, our host for the weekend, we all split up in our respective directions. My heart felt heavy but full. I stayed a night at my old home, 13 Derwent and Byron, Mike and Kayla welcomed me with warm hugs and welcoming eyes. The rest of my time was spent on the farm. Friends dropped in occasionally and helped out with the hundreds of things I had to do. The evenings were filled with the laughter of my nephews and the chatter of guinea fowl and crickets. The lonely howl of the silver backed jackal. We had some good rains and the cows and goats are healthy and content. It’s a significant relief after a challenging early summer. My team of workers provided many happy moments as we worked long hours in the blistering sun and my parents were always close. We planned for the next three months, voiced concerns and worked on solving the several challenges facing us on the farm. Unreliable electricity supply, deteriorating services and government mismanagement as well as the looming shadow and possibility of the expropriation of land without compensation. Legislation recently signed into law by our government. Also the ever present danger of violent crime that all too often affects farmers and their employees. I played a living room concert with my friend Gerhard to an intimate audience and spent hours passing the guitar around and playing more music after the show. A definite highlight on this trip and one of my favourite things.
The evenings on the farm were mine to enjoy. After saying goodnight to everyone I would retire to my little one room cabin, kick off my boots, pour a whiskey and work on some new songs and ideas until my tired body was ready to collapse onto my empty bed. The songs I’m writing, along with the ones already written, seem to be arranging themselves into a photo album of sorts. Pictures faded, the corners bent and haunting. Blood on the Tracks, lost love, regret and longing. Loneliness and stories of quietly losing my mind at times. Also of beauty and tenderness. Learning to forgive and learning to live again after a cataclysmic loss of the person I truly loved the most. I could rationalise, analyse and try to be objective about how I’m better off, that it was always doomed to fail and that I should learn lessons from it all but to be honest, at the moment I’m just sad and disappointed. I don’t really know what to think and what direction I should take next but I look up, do my job and I get better every day at moving on. I experience faint glimpses of romance at times and I know it’ll get better as time continues on its inevitable, merciless trajectory. I know that one afternoon, she won’t cross my mind anymore.
For now I’ll show up every day. I’ll write my songs and work until I’m too tired to think. I’ll be kind and open to new love. I’ll try and be the change I want to see in this world. I’ll try to be a better friend, better son, brother, employer and uncle. I’ll find the light that is always shining through the cracks of life and love. I’ll work hard to remember that saying goodbye is part of the life I chose but that friends, family and lovers are always alive and beautiful in my mind. The stolen moments at airports, highway sides and dimly lit stages carry me through hard times and lonely nights. It’s my privilege and desire to immortalise them in my songs. I intend to do just that.
JB