Square One……
A layer of low cloud was turning purple as the last of the Fall leaves made spirals in the chilly wind blowing in from the South. My head was still pounding from a bourbon headache and my legs felt like columns of ice cold lead. I thought about the farm and cows, the challenges facing the operation in an unforgiving environment and the people that depend on me. I’m incredibly grateful for this life and my good fortune and health. In the greater scheme of things I live a charmed life and I have nothing to complain or feel sad about. I reminded myself to focus on my many blessings and on the incredible group of friends and family that fill my life with adventure and beauty. Also, this mysterious journey of writing and performing that I still can’t wrap my head around.
I turned the corner at the end of the street and felt my phone in my pocket. I knew what that meant. Every breath felt like a long defeated sigh as I made my way back to where my truck was parked. It has been a long time coming and this morning the judge put it all to rest. There was no final scene, no great battle where lawyers ripped us to pieces and of course still no answers but I’m grateful that our love and respect for each other kept us on the path of moral high ground and mercy. Robert Earl Keen said that Love doesn’t walk away, only people do and it is surely the case here. I just don’t know why. Time will hopefully tell. I managed a slight smile as I noticed that she still called me “Babe” and that I didn’t even find it strange. We had agreed on a debrief the day before and I made my way through the lunchtime traffic with watery eyes and Willie Nelson on the radio, wondering how I was gonna look at her without breaking down.
I know that most people on this planet have been where I am right now. Heartbreak and loss, divorce and disappointment. It’s the one thing that unites us all. Everybody pays to play in this game. No one gets out unscathed. I feel that we are the architects of our own pain and suffering and I take full responsibility for my part in this sad ending. I know I made mistakes and I know that I’ve got a lot of work to do. I apologised and I gave it everything I had. I have no anger and no resentment but most of all I have a clear conscience. I think I’m gonna miss her for a long, long time but these these things I want to say… well, I’ll have to make them rhyme.
Out there in this grey winter city the world continues with its sad rhythm. The trains still rattle on their tracks, people stare out of airplane windows and grind their teeth on the gridlocked highways. Lovers meet in cafés and the majority of people are fighting to survive. As for me, I have to get back to work. Fill my days with things to do and places to go. Find ways to make myself tired, tired enough to keep her off my mind and to start writing again when I know what to say. In a way I’m glad to be done with it all. This weighing of the truth, the endless stream of advice and opinions. It will all be forgotten in a few days. Such is our sad nature. I know it’ll get better and I will gain control again.
“Overtime
That's what they all tell me
That's what they say to me..
I guess one afternoon
That you won't cross my mind
And I'll get over you
Overtime” …..
JB